Send As SMS

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Snow White and the Seven Excuses

There’s a reason why women still where white at weddings, because in this day and age no one is buying the whole ‘virginal’ thing. It the signaling of a transformation. Now that the happy couple are married, the bride has transformed from the ‘single-do-anything-to-get-the-guy’ phase to the ‘Snow White’ phase. All the amazing and fun things that she used to do before the wedding are gone. And I’m not just talking about letting you hang out with the boys… I mean more of HER hanging out with the BOYS.

Yes, all those extra little sexual things she would do have now been taken off the menu like the changing of the blue-plate special. You’ve just gone from an all-you-can-eat buffet to Thanksgiving at the in-laws and only the traditional meal will do. And you will only sit down to the table at the expected time. What does this mean? Well, besides losing all the ‘added features’ from the single woman collection you also lose something else near and dear to man’s heart.

When a man wakes up in the morning; often times it’s in stages with the lower parts of the anatomy rising first. Yes, many men wake with remembrances of camp as they notice the pup tent just down the way. Many men like to do certain exercises in the morning to work out the sudden ‘stiffness’ but what you will learn as a married man is that Snow White is not Sleeping Beauty and roused with a kiss… quite the contrary, Snow White not only doesn’t like excitement in the wee hours of the morning and but she has brought along her seven dwarfs to help her:

Dopey – this one is subtle and exasperating. You start by hinting amorous desires but she doesn’t catch them. You mention a romp around the sheets and she thinks you mean jogging in a dry cleaners. Ever move is countered with a lack of understanding until the desire is wrested from your weary body.

Grumpy – this one is fairly self-explanatory. The simplest touch or gentle caress will be met with the over-exaggerated roll over and blanket tug. Persistence will find angry grunts, the addition of curse words and the possible loss of wandering fingers.

Sleepy – here, no matter how you try, she just won’t wake up enough to begin cupid’s little game. She didn’t sleep well the night before and wants a few minutes more. There is nothing you can do at this point; not even tapping her on the cheek with something hard and stiff will do any good.

Sneezy – you’re poor wife has awoke with a runny nose because of those horrible sinus problems… yet you have an ailment of your own that needs attending and biologically you find no connection where one would prevent the other. But stating that you have no intention of going anywhere near her nose will not help the cause.

Bashful – here she responds to your advances by telling you all the reasons you should not want what you want. She’s gained weight, her hair is a mess, he breath is horrible, she hasn’t shaved her legs, she needs a tan, etc, etc, etc. No matter how many times you tell he she looks beautiful, she will not relent. And I seriously advise to NEVER tell your wife that your penis has no eyes and doesn’t care what she looks like… this will lead to divorce court.

Happy – this one is rare and only used in the extreme cases. Your wife wakes up and springs out of bed, singing gleefully as birds fly down and land on her finger. It’s like you’ve turned the crank on the jack-in-the-box and the clown has sprung forward. Once she is out of the bed your cause is lost.

Doc – the final one and the most used is Doc. This is where she cranks out a list of ailments going on with her at the very moment. ‘My back is sore’, ‘I have a headache’, ‘I’m retaining water’, ‘my skin is dry’, ‘I might be getting the flu’, and ‘leprosy runs in my family’… suddenly she’s a board certified expert in all things medical and the prognosis isn’t good for your morning wood.

Yes, as a married man you can say good-bye to breakfast-time boogie. You might as well go and flush your thoughts of romance right down the toilet. For you may have proposed to the love of your life… but you have married Snow White and the fairy tale is over.

*** I hope everyone will take the above in the humorous tone that it was intended and enjoy it for its entertainment value. I am a happily married man and this in no way is meant to reflect on anyone including my wife… but then again, my wife was wearing jeans and a blue sweater when we got married.


Mooker said...

Interesting blog. I wish my husband would wake me in the morning!

9:41 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home