Acquired Taste

I find this term to be incredibly funny. People say coffee is an “acquired taste”, same with beer. Now I don’t really drink beer or coffee… I didn’t feel like acquiring that particular taste. Personally, if something tastes like shit the first time… I skip it the next. How did this scenario begin: “Here Bob, try this.” “Thanks (glug, glug, glug)… ew, that tastes like shit!” “Sorry you don’t like it, I’ll give it to someone else.” “No wait…. Let me try it again.” Excuse me? The rational behind this eludes me.

My third rule of life is: If you don’t like it, don’t do it. This would fall into that category. But somehow millions of people have thrown common sense aside and continued trying this stuff until they can’t live without it. Some would argue that it’s for the drugs (caffeine and alcohol) but those particular drugs are offered in much better tasting packages. If you want caffeine, you can have tea or soda and if you want alcohol the choices are almost endless… and heaven forbid you want both, they have the Rum and Coke.

The bottom line is we have taste-buds for a reason… don’t abuse the poor little things.

Numbers Never Lie

Have you noticed the increase of stupid people in the world? It used to be that one out of five people were stupid. If you had five co-workers, four of them were pretty self-sufficient while the fifth was a real piece of driftwood. But since the early eighties the volume of stupid people has been increasing at an alarming rate. It is now estimated that 50% of the population are dumb-shits. You can’t swing a dead cat with out hitting an idiot. Do these numbers seem high to you? Take a moment and look around your life. Think of your four closest co-workers, don’t you think that at least two of them would be better off in a job that requires them to say “Would you like fries with that”? Or how about your neighbors, shouldn’t a couple of them load up the truck and head out to “Doofusville”?

Stupid people seem to be everywhere: At the grocery store paying for a pack of Wrigley’s with a check; Taking 20 minutes to decide on their order in the McDonald’s drive thru; Standing in line to see Star Wars month prior to it’s opening. The nation is becoming over run with stupidity. It seems to have crept into most branches of the government and most organized religions. If you want to see real stupidity… take a look at television executives.

But stupidity is like a cancer, even when you think you’ve cut out the big chunk, the little remnants continue to grow until it’s a far worse situation. The spread of stupidity has been helped greatly by the advent of the Internet. Now morons from across the globe can contact each other and spread through the use of technology. It is estimated that, at this alarming growth rate, 80% of the population will be “mentally challenged” by the year 2020. That means eventually mankind will have the most amazing and advanced technology at its disposal and no freaking idea how to use it.

Now for those of you who are questioning the legitimacy of these numbers or are feel that the people around them do not fit the average number presented here, then just make a slight change, include yourself in the numbers and I’m sure that will get you back up to the national average.

Squeezing the Juice

Just read a report on CNN.com that lawyers for OJ Simpson were now sueing him for not paying their fees. These aren't the big time lawyers got him aquitted or dealt with the civil case, these are the guys who handled the child custody case after all of the other crap settled down. The best part of the whole article is the quote from Simpson's current lawyer... it has nothing to do with what she says... it's the fact he has a current lawyer. How do you get someone to represent you in a case of not paying for legal fees?

Selling the Drama

At this time tomorrow I will be in my truck on my way to Oakland, Ca. for the Wondercon with my friend/artist Bobby. The purpose of this trip is very simple: make connections. I want to be a comic book writer… this is where the comic book people are, hence the six-hour drive. My hope is that I will get a chance to talk to an editor or publisher that I can convince to give me a chance with their properties. Basically it’s going to be a three-day schmooze fest.

The only problem is that I don’t schmooze well. Okay, I do, but I have to totally psyche myself up to do it. My brother is a natural salesman… all the clichés of selling ice to the Eskimos… that would be him. I’m not a natural salesman. Those genes remain dormant in me until I absolutely need them. The problem is I’m shy. No one ever believes me when I say that, mainly because they have seen me in “The Zone”. What is “The Zone” you ask? It’s this switch that gets flipped inside of me when I walk into a convention. I become focused on being out going and fun. Selling myself to anyone who’s listening.

The odd side effect is that I forget stuff… eating, sleeping, sitting down, etc. I did the same thing when I went to the Arizona photo shoot. There was a dinner Friday night, a barbecue Saturday and pizza on Sunday… I think out of that I had two pieces of pizza. I stayed up until 1 A.M. each night and was up at 5 A.M. each morning. The other bad thing is when I get back from the trip and out of “The Zone” I crash hard. I am usually running on enthusiasm from the show for a day or two and then I’m toast for a week.

Now I love going to these conventions and I really want to be a comic writer… so that’s why I go and put myself through this stuff… but it would be really nice to go up to one of these and not have to sell myself… so if any editors or publishers are reading this: Hi, I’m Dan and I would like to work for you.

Taboo Topics

One of the articles on MSN.com today is “Taboo Topics: 6 Things Mom Never Wants To Hear.” I don’t know about you, but this peaked my curiosity, so several clicks later and I find their list:

1. Keep your secrets to yourself.
2. Keep your sex life to yourself.
3. Near misses with danger.
4. Beware of envy.
5. Don't make her your best friend.
6. Don't make her your diary.

My reaction to this list was “that’s it?” These are far too vague and general. I immediately came up with a dozen or so I my head that I know mothers across the globe would dread hearing.

From a daughter:
1. Mom, I just made my first movie… it was me and Chasey Lane and Randy Spears…
2. That’s not pornography, that’s art… or at least that’s what my photographer told me.
3. Does it hurt every time you have anal sex?
4. I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend, Tommy Lee.
5. Yes those are handcuff marks on my wrist, but no I wasn’t arrested.
6. Can you drive me to the prison to see Bobby, it’s congical visit day.
7. Why does sperm taste so bad?
8. Don’t you think Melissa Ethridge is cute?
9. Just how “late” is “late”?
10. I will be able to tell who the father is by what nationality the baby is.
11. A vice bust on 6th street… that’s where I used to work.
12. I just got picked for a TV series… Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire II?

From a son:
1. Hello Ma, I’m in jail.
2. I know I’m 16 now, but I still feel better with Mrs. Williams babysitting me.
3. Does it hurt every time you have anal sex?
4. I’d like you to meet my new girlfriend, Pamela Anderson.
5. What exactly is a paternity test and how can I fake it out?
6. I have a job interview… how long does cocaine stay in your system?
7. Why does sperm taste so bad?
8. Why does Father Mike not want me to wear anything under my altar boy robe?
9. How weird, Jenny just called and said she was late, but we didn’t have a date tonight?
10. No matter who asks: I was here all night… never left the house.
11. That Russell Crowe sure is a handsome man.
12. It’s not a cult; it’s a chance for me to find true spiritual enlightenment.

So there are 24 things I know mothers wouldn’t want to hear… so why did MSN wimp out with those six vague ones? If you are going to try and wrangle me in with a good headline… at least have some payoff once I get there.

So Good I Hate It

I’m hooked. The new series 24 on Fox kicks major ass. Every week I tune in remembering just how intense it was the prior week and thinking in the back of my mind that this episode has to be a little slower… they can’t keep upping the tempo every week… can they?

For those of you who are not watching it (and I’d love to hear why or what else you are watching) I will give you a quick recap. Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) is the head of an anti-terrorist unit of the FBI based in L.A. His wife and daughter are kidnapped to force him to help with an assassination attempt on presidential hopeful Senator David Palmer (Dennis Haysbert). They key is that Palmer and Bauer have a connection that they don’t even realize, but it ties the two of the together in a very dangerous set of events.

The catch to 24 is that there will be 24 episodes. Each one is the events of an hour in a single day. There is a running clock that pops up at the beginning and ending of each commercial break to keep the intensity going. And intensity is definitely the word for this show. There have been more dead bodies, kidnappings, gun shots, drug deals and new characters then the evening news in Washington DC. But I’m not going to try and catch you up on everything… Fox does a good job of it here https://www.fox.com/24/home.html

And if you need more of a reason to watch the show… they just added Lou Diamond Phillips and Dennis Hopper to the cast.

Something to Chew On

The auction craze has hit a new low recently when a piece of gum chewed by Arizona Diamondback Luis Gonzalez went for the bid of $10,000.00. The winner of the Auction, or at least the guy who is getting stuck with the gum, is Curt Mueller of Mueller Sports Medicine. MSM manufactures “Quench”, a brand of chewing gum. The gum itself though is reported to be “Bazooka” manufactured by Topps, who was out bid during the auction. Both companies looked at the bidding as an advertising move.

The true winner here is Jason Gabbert, the man who put the gum up for auction. But not so fast; it seems Gabbert was arrested a while back for fraud because he was posing as Major League Player Aaron Sele and the gum itself came into question. Gabbert claims that a security guard handed him the gum at a spring training session. The guard though has signed a sworn affidavit saying that he never did this.

Not to worry though, to keep the auction pure, Luis Gonzalez has chewed another piece of gum and placed it into an empty water bottle; this will be sent on to the auction winner as well just so at least one of the pieces is authentic.

Oh my God people, it’s gum. It’s used freaking gum. This is not Mac’s 70th homerun ball, or Mantle’s glove or anything else of value… it’s gum. And it’s not even Mac’s or Mantle’s gum… it’s Luis Gonzalez. If someone bids $10,000.00 on a used piece of gum, I don’t think that good advertising… I think its freaking gross and I’m likely not to do business with them. I’ve never even heard of “Quench” gum and I’m sure not going to look for it now. There is an old saying that even bad publicity is good… not in this case.

This does though leave me with one question: does the chewing gum lose it’s flavor during an auction bidding fight?

Fully Bonded

There has been a debate for years over who the best James Bond is. Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton or Pierce Brosnan. Now I know that a lot of you will first jump up and say “what about George Lazenby”; well what about him? He was Bond once and that was it… he was a filler for Sean. According to the Ian Fleming books, Lazeby was closer to the original concept of the character then any of the others, but we all know that writers don’t know anything about their own characters when it comes to adapting them to film. So Lazenby is immediately disqualified.

That leaves four. Dalton did a couple Bonds and the franchise barely survived. He came across as a dispassionate thug, not a suave super-agent. Dalton is at his best as a villain. He was wonderful as Prince Baron in Flash Gordon and as the Nazi backed movie star in The Rocketeer. But Bond should be someone to emulate, someone every man wants to be and every woman wants to do. Dalton is a good actor, but he’s not Bond. So for lacking style, Dalton is eliminated.

Roger Moore had three strikes against him. First, he got into the series right at the time “campy” was in; so the movies became more about what Q could make then what Bond could do. Second strike was that he was coming in after Sean Connery, a very tough act to follow. Where Connery was a tough guy, Moore played it aloof and in control. The problem is that it was the same way he played what turned out to be his third strike, The Saint. Moore was Simon Templar not James Bond. People wanted to see him with the halo over his head, not a license to kill. So since Moore is British I will translate… three strikes and your out.

That leave us the last two, and I think this is where the biggest debate is. Besides the fact that the audiences for the two are years apart in age, both the actors bring something special to the role. Connery defined Bond, made him who we thought he was. He was tough, sexy and dangerous. But Brosnan brings us the same feeling we got from Connery, but with a steely control that Dalton had and the fun Moore showed us. Plus, he brings something more… a look in his eye that beneath it all he is very serious. We saw it when Teri Hatcher’s character was killed in Tomorrow Never Dies and we see it again when he killed the girl in The World is Not Enough.

I enjoyed just about all the Bond movies (except maybe Moonraker) and I think the actors have all done something unique with the characters. But If I had to pic a favorite, it would be Brosnan. For a lot of people, Connery will always be James Bond… but for my money, I am very happy see Pierce Brosnan as 007 and I hope it stays that way for a while.

Just A Swinging

You ever notice how hard it is to get back into the swing of something. The beginning of last year I joined a gym. I got into it pretty well, dropped some weight and was feeling pretty good. It went on for a few months. I was in there 3 days a week faithfully. Then April rolled around and I had a convention to go to for a few days… from there I stared slipping to where I wasn’t going once every two weeks. Now I’m trying to get back into it again, back to the regular schedule to get in shape.

But there are lots of thing I have to get back into the swing of: I’m single (ladies can reach me through my email above) for the first time in years, so I’m going to have to start dating again. Not that I was good at it in the first place. The results of most of my dating were “good friends”… and that’s pretty sad. So I guess I don’t want to get back into that swing exactly. I’m looking for "home runs", or at least "stand up doubles"… but my history has been “reached on an error” or "fouled out".

The big thing I have to get back to doing is writing this page. I was doing good for the first couple weeks, but I got side tracked by a trip last week and now I’m lucky if I get one thing up a day (that could be taken so wrong). But I am heading off to Oakland Friday morning for three days, so again I’m going to be thrown off… So how do people do it? How do you keep dedicated to something when it’s so easy to slip? Well don’t look to me for answers on that one… I’m the guy who’s using this column as filler for my web page that I can’t get back into writing yet.

What's in a Name?

I got up this morning with a little bit of extra energy and decided that I should get back to the gym. I signed up a little over a year ago at 24 Hour Fitness because my work will pay me back for the membership (I healthy employee calls in sick less). Well, I walk in the front door and I see a little sign at the counter that says "New Hours". My first thought was: "have they added or subtracted hours from the day?" The place is called 24 Hour Fitness - meaning it should be open 24 hours a day. Not to these people I guess. They are now closing Friday night at 11 pm until 6 am Saturday, then closing again at 9 pm Saturday and opening at 6 am Sunday, the closing once more at 9 pm Sunday and reopening at 5 am Monday and staying open until Friday again. I don't really have a problem with this from a scheduling point of view... I never went in at 3 am on Saturday for a work out so this doesn't change my life any... but there's something to be said about false advertising. If I opened Dan's Donuts there's an expectation that I'm going to be selling donuts. 7Eleven used to be open 7am to 11pm but went 24 hours later on, this is not a problem because they are still open the time of their sign. But to call yourself 24 Hour Fitness and then not be open 24 hours a day smacks on a bold face lie and a breech of contract. But maybe the plan on using the Stephen Wright defense... I went to a 24 hour restaurant and a guy out front locking the door, I said "I thought you were open 24 hours", he replied "Not in a row."

And Now the News

I decided to pull up CNN.com this morning to see what was going on in the world. I wanted to find a topic that was worth writing about. I’ve slipped the last week on my two a day posts, partly because of my trip to Arizona and then because of a personal family issue that I could rant about for days, but it’s best I don’t. So it’s just before 8 am here in Anaheim and I figured I would get back into it by writing at least a short post. So I punched up CNN and started glancing over the headlines, this is what I had to choose from:

Powell – Arafat meeting on hold
Big Game jackpot soars to $300 million
U.S.: Chavez provoked Venezuela crisis
NOAA: U.S. to feel El Niño impact
Vijay leads Masters’ pack
Cardinal Law says he won’t resign
Ozzy Osbourne, superstar – again

Now I could go off on Colin Powell going to meet with Arafat, the Middle East is a topic full of things to rant about. Or I could talk about people spending their money on a long shot to win millions. I don’t know anything about the Venezuela crisis so I could educate myself on a new topic. As for the weather report this statement alone could get me going for a while “The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration issues monthly updates on El Niño forecasts. In March it confirmed that an El Niño was forming in the Pacific, but its extent and timetable were uncertain.” This tells me that there is an organization that sits around waiting for news on El Niño… didn’t we just start talking about this damn thing a couple years back?

Putting the issue of weather aside; I could go on about Vijay Singh and the Masters, but it’s only the second day results… I’ll care on Sunday. How about Cardinal Law? The man’s name alone could get me going “Cardinal Law” it sounds like a new series on CBS… ‘He’s a holy man and a holy terror: he protects the streets and religious beliefs. Watch Cardinal Law tonight on CBS.’ But after the name thing, the whole which ‘holier than thou’ asshole should step down is just redundant at this point.

So we get to the last story: Ozzy Osbourne. It’s the year 2002 and Ozzy is on the front page of CNN. This doesn’t strike me as far-fetched, but I was certain that it would be for an overdose, an announcement of some odd disease having to do with bat DNA, anything but him being a ‘super star’ again. Only Keith Richards has done more drugs then Ozzy and at least we can understand him (most of the time), but if you watch MTV’s The Osbournes what you see is what a dithering old fool Ozzy has become… and this has made him popular again?

So instead of picking a topic, the existence of these stories together as the headlines in itself just make me really wonder about the world and what we see as important. Maybe Ozzy was right… “We’re going of the rails on this crazy train”.

Cause I’m the Tax Man

The United States government is now accepting credit cards to pay your taxes. Let that sink in a moment… They are basically saying that they want you to go to work and slave for eight hours a day or more so they can take their cut. Then they want you to go spend your money, but when you do they will tax you for spending it. To help the economy, they want you to spend any money you make and use your credit cards. It’s not bad enough that they tax me when I earn a dollar AND when I spend it… but now they want me to use a credit card so that I have to pay interest on it. Does anybody wonder why there is deficient spending?

How Did I Get Here?

Have you ever had that feeling, that mental reality check that’s usually followed by disbelief? You are in the middle of a situation and you stop and actually think about what’s going on and how absurd it is that you are there? Tom Brady probably had it during the Superbowl. One of the jurors must have felt it during the O. J. trial. George W. Bush probably feels that way all the time. Well, that sensation hit me on Sunday afternoon. Now I’m not claiming where I was is comparable to the Superbowl, the White House or a Murder Trial; but standing on a movie lot with 21 gorgeous models and my camera is a pretty cool thing.

But how did I get there? I never took photography in high school or college. I wasn’t like Peter Parker with a camera in my hands everywhere I went. I don’t think I took my first serious picture till I was 25 and that’s only because my friend was lazy. I was trying to get my comic company off the ground (at 25 becoming a publisher seemed like a good idea too) so I pulled in every friend I had to help. One of my victims/studio-mates was my friend Michelle (or ‘ltl m’ as she is called), she had created a comic series call Orion’s Song and based the lead character off of herself. The artist, Jason Margos I believe, asked for some photo reference for the character. Well, ltl m had always wanted photos done so we turned to another of my victims/studio-mates Brian Viers who was also in to photography. This is where the story gets hazy: ltl m says she asked Brian to shoot with her but he never did; Brian says she never asked. Either way I ended up with my mom’s 35mm camera in my back yard taking shots of ltl m in a bikini.

I enjoyed doing the shots with her, though I’m not sure how the couple of implied topless shots we did would help the artist. From there I had another friend that I had based a character on, so I about 2 months later I had another bikini clad woman in front of my borrowed camera. Over the next couple of years I was able to talk most of my female friends into posing for me; the implied topless shots turned into artistic nudes and I even bought a camera. The next big thing to happen was the “ex” collection. These were two girls that I got to shoot with a lot, Lacey and Tiffany. They were ex-girlfriends of two of my friends and both of them were willing to pose for me. Over the next year or so I must have shot thousands of pics of each one. I wouldn’t be taking the pics I am today if it wasn’t for the two of them (but I’m not sure if its a good or bad thing).

So six years later I’m standing in the Arizona desert in a fake western town with this gorgeous young woman in a read dress standing in front of me named Joelee and I’m thinking that this is just so very cool.

Signs of the Times

I love road signs. Not the plain everyday ones like ‘Stop’ and ‘Yield’ but the more esoteric ones that are specific to an area. Going towards San Diego you will see a sign that is similar to ‘Deer Crossing’ but it has two adults and a child running hand in hand across the freeway. A few miles down the road you will see the same sign again, but the people are going the other direction. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a sign to tell me not to hit something with my car. If a deer, a cow or a family of four are in my field of vision, I’m going to swerve slightly to the left. If there are any drivers out there who need this reminder, maybe it’s time to take away their license.

The Adopt a Highway signs are also funny. Someone paid X amount to tell the world that they kicked in to have trash picked up on a stretch of pavement. How does this work? Does a corporation come up to the Highway Adoption Agency and all the strips of highway come running up to the front looking as cute as they can be, just hoping to get the corporations attention? If the highway looks neglected, can you call Child Welfare? Who cleans the un-adopted areas or are the left alone?

But the reason for my ranting today is a sign I saw on the road to Arizona. About halfway out there I come across two signs. The top one is the standard green with white lettering and says ‘State Prison’. The lower sign was a yellow warning sign with black letters telling drivers: ‘Don’t Pick Up Hitchhikers’. Is this sign really necessary? I think the ‘State Prison’ thing is enough of a heads up. And who picks up hitchhikers anymore? What happened around there that made them put up the sign. Did someone actually stop? “Hey Virgil, see that guy on the side of the road in the orange jumpsuit with the numbers on the back?” “Yeah Clem, I see him.” “He looks like he needs a ride, lets pick him up. He can ride in the back with the shotguns and ammo.”

I understand that we have to do things for the lowest common denominator, but come on… if we set the standards just a little higher I think we might like the results… maybe a little less traffic at least.

All For One And One For All

One of the things I do (besides writing endlessly for this blog) is running the Comic World News. Yesterday I got a very distressing letter from Chris Staros of Top Shelf Productions. Top Shelf puts out a series of quality independent comic books and graphic novels. It seems that LPC, the distributor that they and many other publishers use to get their graphic novels into bookstores, had filed chapter 11 (protection from creditors). Not only was the $80,000 that LPC owed Top Shelf now in question, but the check for $20,000 they had already sent them bounced. This put Top Shelf in serious danger of being out of business, immediately.

Staros put out a plea through the Internet to comic fans through a variety of different on-line comic media outlets. He said flat out that Top Shelf would have to shut their doors unless they were able to get 400-500 customers to buy $50 worth of products from their web site. After his announcement other publishers affected by the LPC filing put out press releases as well, but they were not pleading for themselves; every one of them said that they were not as bad off as Top Shelf and that fans should do what they could to help the publisher.

Today I got another letter from Staros. This one saying that in the twelve hours after the plea, Top Shelf’s web site and phone lines received over 1,000 orders. They did not reveal the exact totals, but Staros says that the company has been saved. One purchase of note was that of Mark Alessi, the owner/publisher of Crossgen Comics. Alessi made a purchase of $5,000 worth of books and had them donated to local libraries.

How many other industries do you know of where competitors would come in to help keep a company going? I applaud everyone who stepped up and helped out; whether it was making a purchase, posting the story or telling a friend the end result was a huge success.

Staros did apologize for one thing in his letter today. Top Shelf’s policy is to ship books out the next day… but with 1,000 new orders in 12 hours it may take them a little while to get them all out the door. That’s okay Chris, whenever you get my order to me is fine.

A Rose by Any Other Name

What’s in a name? The people of the San Fernando Valley are trying to decide what to call themselves if they successfully break away from Los Angeles. A group called Valley VOTE is spearheading the drive and asked people to submit names suggestions. Of the 400 suggestions they received, they narrowed it down to 25 and asked people to begin voting on those with the idea of narrowing it down to 5 to put on the ballot in November.

Some of my favorites that didn’t make the initial cut: Asphalt Prairie, Smogadena and Hellish Pit o’ Despair. There are definitely some creative people throwing names into the mix. The five that made the finals are San Fernando Valley (not very creative), Rancho San Fernando, Mission Valley, Valley City and my personal favorite Camelot. San Fernando Valley is leading the votes right now, but we know that people don’t like change.

I want Camelot. Think of the incredible jokes that can be made. If someone asks where you live you can sing out: “IN CAMELOT”. The people would become either Camelotions or Camelites (which come 20 in a pack). The police could be “The Knights of the Round Table” and instead of “Officer Bob” it would be “Sir Bob”, there’s just a level of respect that goes with calling someone “sir”.

In all seriousness, if I was naming a city and I wanted to give that city a sense of hope and pride, something to strive for, I would call it Camelot. It would give the residents something to be proud of. Hell, I would probably move there.

No Laughing Matter

Spousal abuse is a very serious topic. Normally I would never make light of any situation where spousal abuse was even hinted at, but a case of spousal abuse came to light in Orange County, Ca today that is just too much not to a least talk about. The reason this case is so news worth are not only the participants, but the actual events themselves. The parties involved in this case are Cleveland Indians pitcher Chuck Finley and his wife actress Tawny Kitaen. The events are reported as this: Finley was driving home from the ballpark with Kitaen on Monday night when the two began to argue. Kitaen kicked him with her high-heeled shoes in the thigh, in the leg, in the arm, she grabbed his ear and twisted it. At one point, her high-heel shoe was on top of his foot pressing the accelerator to the ground. A third party called 911 after the couple arrived at their Newport Beach home. Police arrested Kitaen after noticing abrasions and scrapes on Finley. The description of the events comes from Tori Richards, spokeswoman for the Orange County district attorney's office.

Finley was scratched from his start this evening against the Anaheim Angels but he is expected to rejoin the team in Detroit by the weekend.

When I read this story, my first thought was to snicker… here is an athlete being beaten up by his wife, what a wimp. Then I started thinking about it. This man was driving a vehicle when his wife began assaulting him and kept control of it through the attack even when she pinned his foot and the accelerator down. There is no report of him striking her back in any way. If anything, Finley handled the situation in an exemplary fashion. A trained athlete striking a woman could do immense damage, but in this situation some form of defense would be justified. Finley did nothing but keep his cool, control his vehicle and deal with the pain his wife was inflecting on him.

Baseball clubhouses can be a very cruel place. I am hoping that Finley’s teammates will think about the real circumstances before making jokes. As I see it Finley did everything he could to deal with an almost impossible situation with class and dignity.

Before You Run Off With That C-4

You are a man with strong beliefs. So strong in fact that you’ve decided to strap a bomb to your body, go to a crowded area and blow yourself up, taking as many people with you as possible. You believe that your deity will find this a noble sacrifice and reward you in the next life. If any of you are shaking your head yes at this moment… STOP! There are some huge flaws in this plan. Let’s go back to the key phrase here “blow yourself up”; now whether or not you care about other people is irrelevant at this point. Any plan that involves the person who is making the plan dying as one of the objectives is not a good plan. Second, if you are convinced that you have to take out the infidels and heathens, how do you know that’s who is going to die? If you run into a crowd, won’t you risk killing people who believe the same things you do? How would your deity look upon you taking out one from his side?

Hasn’t anybody over there heard about converting people? Instead of killing each other, couldn’t you sit down over coffee and explain the advantages of your religion. I’ve had people of a dozen different beliefs knocking on my door trying to convince me that Mormonism, Buddhism, Judaism, or even Krishna is the way to go. But none of them have ever run up and gone boom. A willingness to die for your beliefs is a strong argument, but the practical application of it will leave a lot of leftovers at the church picnic.

You also have to keep in mind the randomness of what you are doing. Besides the aforementioned killing of a fellow believer, you might also suffer the fate of yesterday’s suicide bomber. He successful exploded, that was part of his plan I believe, but no one else was hurt. That doesn’t really make him a “suicide bomber”, more of a “suicide victim” that chose a loud and messy way to go. Would this be the terrorist equivalent to striking out with runners in scoring position?

So if you really have your heart set on converting the world to your religion, remember that it helps to have a world to convert.

Memory Error

Isn’t memory an amazing thing? I couldn’t remember how to do something today that is a normal part of my job. I had to go ask a co-worker how to do it. Yet I can dial a friends number in New York without having to look it up and I remembered at the store last night that my roommate said we needed a new toaster, even though I was just running in for a camera battery. I’ve seen incredible displays of memory and incredible displays of memory loss. The woman at the lunch truck can remember every order yelled at her from the little opening in the plastic window no matter how specialized it is, yet one of my superiors can’t remember the status report I gave him the day before.

Wouldn’t it be nice if human memory worked like computer memory? We could upgrade when we came close to exceeding storage. We could go through and erase unnecessary data (like ex-girlfriends phone numbers and the names of all the Smurfs). We could re-organize our memory to make accessing it much faster. And think of the programs we could up load; I could be an accomplished pianist in no time at all. The only real problem is we would have to stay away from magnets or it would all end up erased.

The only downside I could see to having a computer brain is that we would probably all end up like Keanu Reeves in Johnny Nuemonic. And if I have to follow in Keanu’s footsteps, I would rather it be the movie The Replacements… because at least there he gets the girl and wins the game.

Simpler Times

When I was a kid, I liked Baseball. I was a true blue Dodger fan. I would sit in the living room, with my Dodger hat on, and watch ever game I could or I’d listen to them on the radio. Everything was painted perfect by the voice of Vin Scully. I carried a Steve Garvey baseball card in my back pocket through most of elementary and junior high. I loved baseball. When I wasn’t watching the game, I would go out to the breezeway and throw a tennis ball against a brick wall. I even painted a strike zone so I knew when I struck out the side again.

Today I watch football. I pay extra money to my satellite provider so I can see all the games of the Carolina Panthers. I have a sticker of their logo on the back window of my truck. I have two replica helmets beside my TV. I even have a Kevin Greene jersey I pull out for special games. But I don’t really watch baseball anymore. I tried to figure out why. Maybe when Garvey became a Padre, a little of the sparkle faded. Maybe when I got so busy I couldn’t watch 162 games, a 16 game schedule was more inviting. Maybe I just like the complexities of football now that I’m older.

Baseball may be America’s past time, but it may just be that, the past. We talk about the past in terms of simplicity. It seems that everyday life gets a little more complicated and as much as we speak against it, we still go forward, never choosing the simple path. George Carlin summed it up best when he said: “In football you invade enemy territory to score a touchdown. In baseball you want to go home.” I will be glued to my set every Sunday this fall to watch the Panthers try to win a few more games this year. But after everything that has happened in the last 7 months, I think it’s time for some of those simpler days. So this summer you will find me in my living room, Dodger hat on, and listening as Vin Scully’s voice paints me another perfect picture.

Play ball!

Blow Me Laddies

I just heard that Sean Connery is going to be leading a parade of ten thousand bagpipers up the streets of New York. Ten thousand bagpipers? There are ten thousand people in the United States, let alone the world, who play the bagpipes? The bagpipes can be a moving and powerful instrument… or it could sound like a pack of cows dying from poisoned food. The thought of ten thousand is just frightening. And where do these players come from. You thought the kid with the according got his ass kicked a lot in school.

In defense of the bagpipes, nothing is more beautiful than hearing Amazing Grace played by a bagpipe master. But nothing is worse than hearing a bagpipe go astray. If they really get ten thousand people together with bagpipes, how many of them are skilled at their choice of instrument? Even if 1% of the bagpipers are bad (and that is a really low guess), that would mean 100 bad bagpipers and we all know that a bad bagpipe stands out far more then 100 good ones. This just seems like an equation for a bad parade.

You can take away my dignity, but you can’t take away my bagpipes.