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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I think I know why Aquaman is not as popular as the rest of the DC characters.

He’s been around as long as most of the others. When I was growing up I remember watching Superman, Batman and Aquaman on TV. He’s been part of the Justice League, had his own series numerous times and has never been replaced by another (that is until now and I have no idea what they are doing yet). And, to make him even cooler, he’s royalty. The freaking King of Atlantis with a hot wife and child.

So why isn’t he as popular as Batman, Superman or Wonder Woman? My theory came to life when looking at the action figure designed by Alex Ross. First, the color scheme… orange and green. Orange is a tough color to wear, especially if you're a summer. Heavy people look like a pumpkin and in shape people just look like a scrawny pumpkin. The green is all right but his boots are part of his pants. He’s basically wearing footies. And the fins on the calves have to make sitting in a recliner tough. Plus on Ross’ figure the character has a very wide collar that is open to the top of the shoulders; similar to Superman’s but without the cape to cover. It's a horrible ensamble and the gold belt just clashes with the orange tunic.

The bottom line, Aquaman looks to be either one of two things… the first super-metro-sexual OR the real first homosexual hero. I know, I know… Mera and the kid right? Hasn’t DC already given Aquaman a beard once? But if he was metro he would dress a hell of a lot better. I think the truth is that Aquaman has always been on the edge of coming out. There were many comic moments where other heroes were talking about the endowments of female characters and Aquaman seemed to not even notice. And just about everyone in the JLA has hit on Wonder Woman (probably Zatanna included) except our under-sea friend.

And DC hasn’t helped one bit. Why would a man who can swim amazingly fast underwater need a Seahorse to ride on? That’s like Superman using a giant eagle to get around Metropolis. And why a seahorse? There isn’t any that size anyway so why not just have him ride on a whale, a shark or a dolphin? Could you think of any more effeminate creature to choose? And the trident he carries… just how phallic do they need to make it? The one Ross designed isn’t even a trident, it has 5 spears (all very phallic)… I guess that would be a pendant? (uni, bi, tri, quad… ????)

Even years back when Peter David decided to make Aquaman tough, grow out his beard and hair, give him a new manly armor and have his hand eaten off by piranhas…. (wait, I thought he could talk to fish, couldn’t he say ‘Stop, that hurts’?) the character became more popular but then DC decided to take him back to the orange and green, short hair metro and now he’s not even himself anymore.

I’m going to read along and see where Busiek and Guice are taking Aquaman now… but if it fails to snag the readers I think the answer is obvious. Aquaman becomes a comic version of HBO’s ROME and then the question of his sexuality won’t matter, because when in Rome….

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