Honey, I’m Late

Why are people late? I tend to be early to everything. Hell, I was two weeks early to my own birth. I take the time to figure out where I need to be, when I need to be there and how long it will take for me to get there. It’s not rocket science… okay, I’m sure that some of these factors are part of rocket science, but there has to be more to it or people wouldn’t say: “well you’re no rocket scientist”. But back to the point… why are people late?

Occasionally late is understandable. You’re driving down the road and a yak is hit by a Guinness truck closing all lanes of the freeway until they can get the yak’s head out of the driver’s ass; this makes a few moments of tardiness acceptable. But some people are habitually late. We’re talking on such a regular basis that you can factor in the tardiness into the time equation and lie to them about the time something starts so they arrive a couple minutes early (leaning toward rocket science again). This type of person is only annoying until you start using scratch paper when setting up a date.

Then there is the other type of late person. That no matter what you do, they will be late. If you leave the entire day open for them, they will show up right as you’ve given up and are headed for bed. If you tell them to be at your house at 1 pm, about 5 pm you will have to call them to find out that they are on their way, factoring in the 15 minutes it should take (more rocket science) you are completely astounded when they arrive at 7:45 pm. And let’s not forget the attempts to remedy this by picking them up. This is usually met by them still being asleep at 2 pm and after the 15 minutes of pounding on the door to wake them they inform you that they need to get ready which in late-person speak means another hour and a half.

Being on time is not that difficult. Buy a watch, get an alarm clock, make a freaking effort. Or maybe I’m wrong… maybe it is tougher than rocket science, because I’ve heard of launches being delayed.

Tiffany, who is currently 2 hours late, has inspired this rant. Where the hell are you?

Mass for the Masses

Easter is an odd holiday. It doesn’t have that pomp and circumstance attached to most celebratory days. People love Christmas because you get gifts, see friends and family and basically everyone is nice. New Years is popular because everyone is still in the afterglow of Christmas; plus you can get shit-faced drunk and kiss strangers at midnight. Next on the list is Thanksgiving where you get two extra days off work and all the food you can eat; thanks. Then would be the Fourth of July, here you get a day off plus fireworks (if you live next to Disneyland like I do, the firework thing isn’t all that special). After that you get stray holiday like Memorial Day, Labor Day, Presidents day, and Martin Luther King day; all popular due to the day off from work. Now you throw in Valentine’s day, Mother’s day and Father’s day because some people get gifts and you’ve hit the favorites.

Easter isn’t in the top ten. Why? Well, what does Easter mean? If you’re pagan then it’s the celebration of the spring solstice. If you’re Christian or a few other religions then it’s the resurrection of Christ. If you are not in one of those two categories, then it’s a Sunday like any other. Somehow elements of the pagan celebration has crept into the Christian one, that’s why we give kids eggs and bunnies at Easter, they’re signs of fertility… are you sure you want to give your twelve year old daughter a fertility symbol? The other big thing is Easter services… yes, for those of you who usually skip church, this is your one day a year to go and make up for it. For those who go to church regularly, this is the long day.

Now I tried to remember what I did the last couple of Easters. Last year I did a photo shoot with a lovely little Swedish woman named Anna. Talk about a fertility symbols. She’s the type that could resurrect a few men, but that’s a different topic and I found out my mom reads these so… back on to topic. I can’t remember what I did any of the Easters prior. If you’re not a religious person, then you are probably in the same boat I am; only realizing that it was Easter because the calendar said so, some of the stores are closed and an Easter email card from my parents.

Thank Mom and Dad… Happy Easter.

The Cadillac of Crap

It’s Saturday afternoon and I have a few hours to kill. I hop into my truck and head for the local comic shop to pick up my weekly fix of American pop culture. As I’m heading up the street I get caught behind a slow moving vehicle. This is a long road with only one lane for a while, so I have no choice but to look at the car in front of me. I want to start off by saying that it’s a Cadillac. We all know that Cadillac stands for quality, right? Well this car was really a piece of work.

I can tell from the back of the car that we are looking at a Cadillac El Dorado, I see this from the two pristine logos on the trunk of the car. I am fairly certain that these are the only pristine things on the car. I’m guessing the year to be around 1977. The car WAS tan; I know this from the chips of paint still in the corners by the molding. The rest of the paint had been eaten away by rust. Not just simple rust, but rust that turns liquid in the rain and stains the windows of the car. Since I was still behind him I noticed that the trunk was open, but the lid stayed down because of the weight. Obviously the locking mechanism had given way a long time prior. Oh, and just to finish up the back of the car, you guessed it, both taillights were busted.

As the road expanded to a second lane, I was able to pull up along side the Caddy and look inside. The interior had more cracks and wrinkles then Charlton Heston in a tanning bed. There was no dashboard. I don’t mean that part of it was missing or anything like that, I mean that it was completely gone. Instead the owner had taken two gauges of some sort and attached them by coat hanger off of the empty area. I can only assume these gauges were telling him fuel and speed… or maybe it was counting down the days this car had left on the road. As I pulled next to the car at a stoplight, the single most amazing thing happened. The passenger side window rolled down… by itself… electronically. The automatic window control was still working. From every old car I’ve seen at the Carl’s Jr. drive thru with the owner opening the door and snaking his hand around to get his order, I assumed that the window motors were the first thing to go. But on this amazing Cadillac, it was still in good working condition.

As I sat next to this piece of American engineering, I could hear the lifters under the hood. I never understood why they called them lifters until now… for it seemed that they were trying to lift the hood off of the car. Now the hood itself was interesting, here on this formally tan, now rust covered car was a bright blue hood. I don’t know about you, but I started thinking that hood wasn't original equipment. As I pulled away from the signal, I got ahead enough that I could see that all of the front lights were broken as well. At least it was consistent.

I was about to turn my attention back to the road in front of me when I noticed a Highway Patrol car pull up next to the Cadillac. I could make out the look on the officers face as he was mentally noting the same details I had (though he might have missed the automatic window since it was already down). From there I saw the officer drop his head and shake it slightly side to side. I feel that he was sharing that moment of disbelief that I had felt. He then took a deep breath, locked his gaze forward and drove past. He must have come to the same conclusion I did: that all of the damage had to be cosmetic only, because we all know that Cadillac means quality.

Predicting the Obvious

Not to re-hash the Mrs. Cleo comments of the other day, but one thing kept popping back into my head: Who are the people calling her? How could they fall for such an obvious scam? Then this morning I realized that this scam has been going on for years. I don’t mean the Mrs. Cleo has been faking that Jamaican accent for that long, but the idea of vaguely predicting peoples future and expecting to get paid for it. I’m talking about your daily horoscope.

Taurus 4/20 - 5/20 Today's Date: Mar. 30
The Sun is in Aries and the Moon is going from Libra into Scorpio. You're good at figuring out what's needed, then providing it. You have a friend who's also good at that. Overlook your differences. Focus on the same goal. Even together it's tough to achieve, but you'll get further.

This is my horoscope from MSNBC for today. Lets look at it shall we. The Sun and Moon positions tell me nothing; this is just their way of sounding official. A lot like the computer guy at your work with all the textbooks behind him; those textbooks are fake, they don’t open, and they come in one large piece and are available at Ikea. Next thing they do is compliment me “you get shit done”, who isn’t going to agree with that. From there they guess I have a friend, this is probably the riskiest line in the whole thing. This is an on-line horoscope meaning a lot of the people who will look at this are the same people who spend 24-7 in chat rooms and message boards; the friendship thing is not guaranteed. The last bit here basically says “get help, it will go faster no matter what pinhead you have to get help from.”

This is an incredibly simple format to follow. Start with technical jargon, compliment the reader then make a vague generality of advice. With this I can make thousands of predictions every day and a lot of them will come true. Why? Because these are incredibly general and vague; and let’s not forget the fact that most people who take the time to read the horoscope want them to be true, so they will connect the dots in or on their head to make it work.

So here is my prediction for everyone not matter what your sign is:

Mar 30th
The Sun is passing through your Fourth House and the Moon is hanging out a car window. Your strong deductive abilities let you figure out most puzzles. Today you need to focus those abilities towards the source of the stress you have been feeling. Once you unlock the root of the problem, the stress will just fall away.

Did We Need the Second Screwing?

Normally what causes me to rant is something I see that pisses me off or makes me wonder. This one comes from a TV show. I was watching The King of Queens and one of the characters started talking about why we have two types of screws and screwdrivers. This started running around in my head like a pinball, bouncing other thoughts around and taking over my every waking moment. Why do we need two screws?

Who was Phillips and why would he want to create a second screwdriver? The reason could be that the old ‘slot’ head screwdrivers have a tendency to slip out of the groove. Fine. Phillips creates a better screw/screwdriver so let’s get rid of the old one. Who are the people trying to hang on to this antiquated technology? What about the health risks posed by the slot-head screwdrivers? You’re turning away and that bad boy slips out of the groove and whamo, right in the eye. Your vision is permanently damaged because Craftsman has ignored Phillips’ life saving advancement.

In most cases, when an advancement is made, we discard the inferior models. I don’t have an Atari 2600 next to my Playstation 2. I got rid of my 1974 Ford Maverick a long time ago when I upgraded to T-birds and now my F-150. I don’t keep my old girlfriend around when I find a new one that performs better (though a lot of guys try). I say it’s time to bury the past, get rid of the antiquated and dangerous tools of old and stride forth into a bright future provided for us by Phillips (not the light bulb guys). Go to your kitchen drawers, take out all you slot-headed screwdrivers and throw them away… but for God’s sake be careful, you can put someone’s eye out with those.

Children of the Pepsi

I heard on the radio this morning that someone is trying to pass a tax on soda to help eliminate childhood obesity. What the hell? Whatever happened to a parent raising a child? They want to put a tax on soda just because some parents can’t control their children. Why is this a good idea? It hasn’t worked with Cigarettes, they keep raising the tax and price on them, but people are still smoking away. I know someone who is paying $4.50 a day to smoke 20 cigarettes. That’s $1,620.00 a year that people are willing to spend on something that is killing them… so do we think the tax is working?

And this is worse then the cigarette tax. This is taxing everyone who goes to a fast food place, stops at a coke machine or wants something to cut his rum. If you want to keep your child from drinking sodas… tell them ‘no’. I’m not a parent, why should I have to pay extra money to keep someone else’s kid from getting fat. The old saying about it taking a village to raise a child… well every village has an idiot and we need to stop them from breeding. If I have to take responsibility for my neighbor’s children, I should at least get to bang his wife a couple times.

Pride Dead in Ohio

One of the neatest things that the US Mint has done in years is the 50 State Quarters program. Each state gets to choose it’s own design; which has led to some nice looking coins. You get to see the things that make each state unique. The Kentucky Derby, the Statue of Liberty, or something as simple as the Georgia Peach adorn these new look quarters; and collectors are hording them all across the country.

But I don’t think that enough thought went into some of them. Vermont shows a man taping into maple trees… telling everyone that Vermont is full of sap. North Carolina shows the flight of the Kitty Hawk… two people from another state bring a machine that there not sure works to your state because there is nothing there to hit. This is your claim to fame? And one of the most confusing is New Jersey’s where they have General Washington crossing the Delaware. How many state’s names can we get on one coin? And like Jersey, both Rhode Island and Virginia show boats on the water. So nothing good actually happened on the land?

Most of those are just poor choices, but that’s not the worst. By far the most recently release quarter makes the greatest mockery of the state that it’s supposed to honor. The state is Ohio and the design is very simple. There is an outline of the state with the Wright Brother’s plane on one side and John Glenn’s space suit on the other and the words ‘Birth Place of Aviation Pioneers’. You might ask why this design insults the state that chose it. Both of these events were great moments in aviation and American history, but neither of these things actually happened in Ohio. Does this mean nothing good actually happens in Ohio? What the coin says to me is that Ohio is a great place to have sex, and some of the babies born there can fly.

Babies Not A Booming

The Japanese Government is asking their people to start making more babies. They’re very serious about this too. They are thinking of cutting back the 18-hour workday and stopping the mandatory drinks with the boss policies. No wonder they’re having a population problem, if I had to work 18 hours a day and then go have a drink with my boss I wouldn’t have time to do the ‘mambo of love’ with my woman either. And when the hell would I have time to raise a kid on that schedule? My biggest priority would be to get the hell out of that country. No wonder they call us ‘Lazy American’s’; we take a freaking day of now and again.

The reason for the concern is that almost 18% their population is 65 or older, but their birth rate has dropped to 1.35 births per woman. The end result is not enough new workers to take care of the retiring ones. But 52% of women and 40% of men shun the ideas of marriage and childrearing as sources of fulfillment. With numbers like that, I don’t think the meager trimming of the workday will be enough. I think more drastic solutions will be needed and I have a few suggestions to help.

1) An all Barry White, all the time radio station.
2) A Logan’s Run policy that states at the age of 60, you’re done. This can be combined with a Soylent Green policy if the food supplies start running short.
3) Making ‘Ruppies’ an over-the-counter drug and eliminating all forms of birth control.
4) And the most affective, we will send you some of our NBA and NFL players; that should jump-start the baby making process.

Future Not So Perfect

I had a chance to read some about the Mrs. Cleo scandals today. What I found to be the oddest thing about them all is not once does anyone accuse her of not being psychic. Every lawsuit is filed as a “false advertising” type having to do with the amount of money charged and the harassment that followed after calling. According to the article I read, the reason they weren’t pursuing the “not a psychic” approach is that you can’t prove that she is or isn’t in court. If I claimed to be the direct descendent of Napoleon, then I could be charged with fraud if the DNA didn’t match up; but if I wanted to say that I’m the direct descendent of God, the courts can’t touch me. I may end up visiting the men in the white coats, but no jail time.

At the other end of the spectrum is John Edwards; John doesn’t claim to be able to predict the future, he talks to the dead. Where Mrs. Cleo claims to predict the future for lots of money, John comes out to a live studio audience and just starts getting the vibe. I don’t know if John has the ability to talk to the dead. I originally tuned in to ‘catch him in the act’. I knew he had to be a fraud. The problem is that I haven’t been able to catch him and now I really don’t want to. See, where John succeeds is he comes across as likeable, funny and a nice guy. He knows how to work a room and gets a laugh just by being himself. I watch Crossing Over regularly now. Not because I want to debunk him or because I’m a firm believer that he’s doing what he claims; I watch because I enjoy the show, it’s entertaining. You get to see some insight into people’s lives and I come away from it wanting to call my parents and say I love them.

And guess what, all of this is free. I don’t have to call John. I am not barraged by TV commercials and emails telling me that he has a message for me. If I want to spend some money, he’s published a few books. I haven’t read them because it’s not the topic that makes me come back to the show, it’s his personality. Plus, they have a great tag line for the show: “The Afterlife Will Be Televised.”

So, where Mrs. Cleo couldn’t seem to predict her future legal problems, maybe John Edwards can come in and get her in touch with her career, ‘cause it’s definitely dead mon’.

Size Does Matter.

When did we lose the concept of size? When did small become a bad word? I’ll give you two examples. Let’s start with 7 Eleven: years ago they introduced the Big Gulp, 32 ounces of teeth rotting goodness. Then they came out with the Super Gulp, an extra twelve ounces in case your car overheats as well. At the same time, they started calling the smaller size the Gulp. So you have the 16-ounces Gulp, 32-ounce Big Gulp and 44- ounce Super Gulp. Now, the marketing boys over there figured bigger is better and came up with the 64-ounce Double Gulp. There’s only one problem. The gulp is 16 ounces, so the Double Gulp should be 32 ounces. The Double Gulp is actually a double Big Gulp.

Now let’s go across the street to Burger King. The home of the Whopper has done the unthinkable. Again thinking that bigger is better they started making a size above large called… KING SIZE. Most historians would tell you that do to incessant inbreeding most kings through out history were actually small. But that’s not my point. The marketing boys over there at BK decided that sales on the smaller size weren’t very good, so they dropped it. Yes, you can only order fries and drinks in Medium, Large or King Sized… I wasn’t that one to sink in a moment… I’ll wait… If you look up the word ‘medium’ in the dictionary you get a couple different answers. Since we weren’t talking about channeling the dead, we will go with the one that basically says ‘a size in between a larger and smaller size’. So at some point someone over at Burger King should have mentioned that you couldn’t have a Medium size if you don’t have a Small. What they really have is Small, Medium and Large but they think the buying public is too stupid to realize that.

But that’s how marketing people are. Every time I hear that a new car has a ‘roomier interior’ I want to scream. Roomier then what? Roomier then an airplane bathroom, I would hope so. Roomier then Dodger Stadium, I doubt it. You can’t use a comparison word if you don’t give something to compare it to.

So marketing people say things that are grammatically and logically wrong and expect the consumer to be happy because they think the are getting more. The American populace can’t be that stupid, can they?

The Politics of Acting

Why did we have to sit through the closest presidential election ever? The answer is simple; personality. It no longer has to do with being a Democrat or Republican. Neither Bush nor Gore had the charisma or charm to make us care about either one of them. It came down to the beliefs of the candidates, and nobody in America wants to choose a president based on their beliefs. What the general public wants is someone to stand in front of them and say, “Everything is going to be okay.”

This is why Ronald Reagan was so popular. He was an actor, not a lawyer or businessman. He could pretend to be whatever he needed, and he did it well. Old Ronny would stand up there and speak while the masses stood there like the filth covered, comical, western sidekick saying “dang nab it, he’s right”. The funny thing was, the country had a pride about it that had been missing since Watergate.

Clinton was a different kind of actor. He was the player. The man would make a speech and when he was done, there would be the country, laying on the bed covering itself in a sheet pleading after him: “call me”. But the problem with this type of person is eventually they get caught. And it’s never the action that’s the true problem; it’s the loss of trust. Bill got himself a hummer in the white house from an intern. Overall my thought is… good for him. If I were president, I’d probably have interns lined up around the block with cigars and kneepads. But when he was asked if it was true, he lied, badly. “What is your definition of the word ‘IS’?” Just to ask that question you have to know the definition of the word ‘IS’.

But I digress. Ronny was a good actor and he stroked the fires of patriotism. Bill was a smooth operator and told us what we wanted to hear. Bush and Gore just gave us that ‘we got to the whorehouse late and all the good girls were gone’ feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I think Bush has done a good job of dealing with the 9/11 disaster and he’s surrounded himself with some very bright people. But I can’t watch him make a speech; it’s just painful. And if the Democratic Party wants to take the oval office back in the next election, they would be better off running Alec Baldwin then anyone currently holding office.

The bottom line here is this: It’s obvious that no one man makes a country. Our politicians have moved from being the thinkers to being figureheads. The person most likely to be elected isn’t the smartest or best qualified; he’s the one who makes us feel good about ourselves. That’s why I’m predicting here and now that the next Mayor of Los Angeles will be Ervin ‘Magic’ Johnson. He may not know politics or have a good speech pattern… but damn it, he brought the people of L.A. a championship and he can do it again as mayor. Okay, I really have no idea how Magic would be as a mayor, but I have a feeling that we will find out very soon…. Look here to see what I mean.

An Eggsplanation

I don’t like eggs. This isn’t earth shattering news for anyone that knows me, been that way for most of my life. Okay, I’ve been that way all of my life, but up until I was 7 years old my mom insisted on cooking scrambled eggs for dinner sometimes. It was only the smothering of those eggs in country gravy that made them edible. But the bottom line here is: I don’t like eggs.

Now, I know I’m not a lone in this. One of my best friends when I was going to college was Caroline Cooper. Coop and I did a lot of strange and fun things together; it was always an adventure. We went down to San Diego for a weekend, taking another friend of mine named Brian. The purpose of the trip doesn’t matter (something about drinking and watching motorcycles, it’s all a blur now), what does matter is the next morning. We stopped at a little diner where the house specialty was ‘Steak n Eggs’. At that point steak just sounded good. So I order up the special and when the woman asked how I wanted my eggs, I pointed at Brian and said ‘on his plate’. When it was Coop’s turn, she did the same thing. So we had our steaks and Brian forced down three helpings of eggs.

I’m not writing this to reminisce. I have a legitimate complaint. Why does every single ‘slam’ at Denny’s have eggs? There’s French Slams, Country Slams, Grand Slams, Damn I’m Hungry Slams, Is That Really Cheese Slams… You name it; they’ve slammed it. But nowhere on the menu will you find a: ‘I Don’t Like Eggs Slam’. I end up feeling like the Spam lady from Monty Python. I like bacon, sausage, ham, biscuits & gravy, grits, oatmeal, pancakes, hash browns, waffles and French toast; but they don’t offer any kind of deal that combines them. If I want a variety of taste I have to order a stack of pancakes at prices just above the average slam and then start adding side orders.

This is pretty consistent along the lines of all restaurants, including the International House of Pancakes. You would think if anyone, IHOP would come up with a breakfast special that doesn’t have eggs. But no, the non-egg eaters of the world are treated like pariahs and shunned by the restaurant industry. And let’s not forget the truly innocent victims here, the poor souls that have to sit with the non-egg eaters as they look over the menu and bitch about their choices.

So a memo to Denny’s: I appreciate the fact that I can order anyone of your 37,000,000 slams that you offer on your menu at anytime of the day or night. But do you think it’s possible that maybe you could discontinue the ‘Peanut Butter & Nanna Sandwich Slam’ and come up with something, anything that doesn’t have a freaking egg on it? Because you know what… I don’t like eggs.

Devaluing the Classics

If I sat down and decided to write the sequel to Romeo and Juliet, I think the line of people wanting to lynch me would be reminiscent of the wait for Space Mountain at Disneyland on Memorial Day weekend. And Citizen Kane: The Early Years would have Orson Wells doing spins in his grave. It’s one of the unwritten rules of writing… Don’t fuck with the classics.

Now I have the greatest respect for Disney’s animation. I think that Walt and the boy’s were pioneers in a field that very few took seriously. The idea of a full-length animated movie was a gamble only Walt saw as worthwhile. Disney has made some of the most memorable versions of the classic stories, absolutely brilliant work. But the problem is that when a creative genius sets a standard for others to follow, eventually they pass on, and invariably a ‘businessman’ takes the reigns. Look at the mess of Roddenberry inspired drudge that has leaked out of the closet since his passing. If the stuff was any good, wouldn’t he have pitched it when he was alive?

Tonight I saw a commercial for The Huntchback of Notre Dame II. I don’t remember there being a second novel. Or the previously released Cinderella II; didn’t the first one end with “They lived happily ever after”? Did the author lie? Was he not privy to the rest of the story? They did two Aladdin sequels, two, and neither of them had Robin Williams. Now I understand a company’s desire to make money, that’s what companies do, but this is just wrong.

Are we so devoid of ideas that we have to trash what we considered sacred? There are plenty of all-ages comic books that would make terrific cartoons. Disney would be better served getting the rights to Hero Bear and the Kid or turning a great cartoon strip like Calvin and Hobbs into a movie then trying to add on to stories we all know. And maybe, just maybe, there are a couple classics they haven’t gotten to. Anyone for a Three Musketeers cartoon?

Go Team, and Take the Other Sports With You.

I am not a fan of college sports. I could care less about March Madness, the BCS Championship Bowls or any of the other collegiate sport activities. Now I know that some sports fans claim that it’s the purest form of the sport since the players aren’t playing for money, others claim that the colleges are just as bad as the pros except in college you have to hide the payouts.

My reason why I don’t like college sports is completely different. I don’t think there should be any college sports. There are a limited number of spaces in a college for students, shouldn’t we put the kids there that want an education, not the ones looking for a pass to the NBA? The number of student athletes that actually care about their degrees is amazingly small. The average defensive lineman in college is a communications major but can’t get through an interview without saying ‘you know’ at least fifty times.

Now there are the occasionally abnormalities, like Robert Smith formerly of the Minnesota Vikings, but overall the educating of these students is a waste of time. They are pulled away from their classes regularly to travel for games, they have so many practices that they can’t have time for their schoolwork and many of them leave school early for one of the pro drafts.

And let’s look at some of the results: O. J. Simpson accused of murder, Ray Carruth guilty of murder, Ray Lewis accused of murder, Jason Williams accused of man slaughter, Andre Rison accused of fraud, Leon Lett accused of drug trafficking, Michael Irving accused of drug trafficking and that’s not counting all the cases of domestic abuse and drunk driving. The key thing to remember here is: all these people went to college. They took up the space of someone else legitimately trying to get an education.

Baseball has a farm system; it works for them. Hockey has the IHL; it works for them. Football and Basketball should create a farm system or use NFL Europe, the CFL and the CBA to groom their future stars and let the future doctors and scientist have the colleges.

Cause I Have to or Want to?

I have a friend. She’s a very special person to me and has been in my life on and off for fifteen years. We tried dating a few times, every five years it seems, and each time it comes down to something just not clicking. See, the thing is I don’t think she understands me. Well, most people don’t but that’s beside the point. What I’m getting at is that she doesn’t understand why I do the things I do. Why I’ve been trying to break into comics for the last seven years, or why I do photography. She’s not an artist. But to be fair, neither is my Mother, Father or Brother and they are no closer to understanding me then she is.

I think it comes down to a simple question. “Why do you want to write?” If you have an answer for this, then you are probably not a writer. This question also works for artists, photographers and a few different types of people in jail. It’s not a matter of wanting to be a writer; you either are or your not. Now that’s not saying that you can’t be a bad writer. And getting training to hone your skills is still highly recommended. But it’s not about ‘wanting’ to write; it’s about ‘having’ to write.

It’s all inside of your head, waiting to pour out on to the page. The trick is not thinking the stuff up, it’s letting it loose. If you don’t start letting it out, it builds up and then you end up with more of those people in jail. Creativity is as much a part of a writer as the desire for food or sleep. It has to be dealt with. It has to be set free.

When your mind is open to an infinite world of possibilities, the idea of sitting in a three by five cube eight hours a day, five days a week working a meaningless job might as well be a jail sentence. When creativity is flowing through your veins like a constant coke high, the only thing that seems impossible is the thought of not writing.

I don’t write because I want to, I write because I have to and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Burned at Both Ends

I think the problem with television is well demonstrated this evening. I spent an hour enjoying the latest episode of Six Feet Under on HBO; by far some of the best writing on television. This show, along with The Sopranos, OZ and Sex in the City shows us what television can be if we let it. They curse, they show nudity and they talk about whatever the hell they want to and it’s more realistic then anything the networks have to offer.

Speaking of the networks, let’s look at the watered down waste they are pumping through the airwaves. The shows of note are Fear Factor, where we get to see humanities lowest denominators do asinine things for cash; America’s Funniest Home Videos, where we get to see humanities lowest denominators do asinine things for nothing; and the scariest of the lot Baby Bob, about a baby who can speak at an incredibly young age. Now I understand the occasional enjoyment of watching people be stupid. It’s one of the few times that people feel superior, like watching Wheel of Fortune when someone can’t figure out Wishing Well and only the ‘h’ is missing.

Baby Bob? This is just a bad idea. How many episodes can they do about a baby who can talk? Won’t he eventually be of the age that talking isn’t impressive anymore? And the poor cast that got picked for this show, who did they piss off? And if my 3 month old starts talking with the voice of Harvey Fierstein, I’m calling an exorcist because the projectile vomiting is next. Then again, that’s how I feel when watching the show.

Maybe if we lift some of the censorship on television and allowed viewers to exercise their “freedom of choice” instead of white-washing it for the moral majority we would get more shows like Six Feet Under and less like Baby Bob.

Just Chillin'

What depressed me the most the other day was an amazing new invention touted on the news. Of course they didn't tell us what it was before the commercial, it was just a teaser to get me to watch their own slant on the world's events. Well, I tuned in to see what the great minds of the planet had come up with... maybe a cure for cancer or aids, a solution to the greenhouse effect, possible a replacement for fossil fuel... or even a universal translator that can understand taxi cab drivers and Ozzy Osbourne. But sadly no. The amazing new invention (as claimed by the plastic piece of trash reading the story) was a "self cooling aluminum can". A soda can that chills itself. This is the freaking "amazing invention". Maybe if we set the bar a little lower we can all sleep better at night.

The world is going to hell folks, but a least we will have cold beer.

Lord of the Oscars?

One last thought having to do with the Academy Awards last night. They have always been considered as much about the politics of Hollywood as they had been about the talent, but last night just went way over the top. I have not seen Training Day, but I understand that Denzel Washington was amazing in that role. Fine. But I have seen A Beautiful Mind and where I didn't like the movie that much, Russell Crowe's peformance is what really stood out. Now, I didn't watch the show itself last night, I had better things to do (sitting in the emergency room with my room mate who hurt her back and reading The Big Show by Kieth Oberman and Dan Patrick) so I can only report on the scorecard. But there was some political things happening last night. Either A Beautiful Mind was good enough to win best picture, best director, best screenplay and best supporting actress and Denzel Washington won because the Academy decided to be politically correct OR Lord of the Rings was a much better movie but got snubbed by the Academy in fear that they would be setting too high of a standard and end up giving the same set of awards to them again for the next two years.

If LOTR won, a movie that is only a third of what was really filmed, then the remaining two thirds should be equally well done (since it was not only shot at the same time, but intermixed) and then the Academy would be hard pressed to not give them the awards again next year and the year after unless something truly amazing came along; and with the crap Hollywood has been spewing out... that would be doubtful. How the awards probably should have gone... LOTR for best picture, best director and best screenplay. Denzel for best Actor and the rest are fine.

But I will predict here and now that The Twin Towers will also be snubbed at next years awards, but The Return of the King will clean up as the Academy then gives the awards for the "body of work" which they've been known to do way too often.

Return to Sender

I don't understand all the junk email. Do the people sending it really think it's going to get me to come to their site? I am not personally interested in nude photos of Britney Spears. I don't want to see "hot raping action". And women going down on animals is not in my interest sprectrum either; but sure enough I get ads like that every day... but I also get home mortage rates, herbal viagra and stay at home businesses. These people are just wasting my time. I don't read their shit, I just delete it. The only thing they've succeeded in doing is irritating me, so that if I had any interest in weight loss, I'm sure the hell not going to go to their site.

I think we should pass a simple law. If you want to contact someone about an advertisement, you should have to email them and ask permission to send advertisements on a specific topic. If the person does not reply, then the answer is no. Simple. Then, if they send the emails anyway then they can be charged with harrassment. I should not have to reply to an email to have myself removed from a mailing list. They should have to do the work if they want to get my money.

Welcome to My Jungle

Got an email from James Hudnall telling my about his new blog... my first thought was, "what the fuck is a blog?" then I went out and read it. I like the idea of free form writing of whatever comes to mind. So I thought I would try it myself.

You can find info on my writing and comics at Hardline Studios . I also run Comic World News and you can see my photography at DRW Photography.

I hope that something I write on this site brings you a bit of insight to the world, a smile to your face and a little closer to that aneurysm that we are all heading towards.